Walking into this internship I was depressed, insecure, overflowing with grief, spiritually struggling and unsure of my passions in life.
Walking in obedience to God’s voice has led me into healing: AMAZING healing, holy healing.
The healing journey began on a long flight to Nepal. It had nothing to do with the flight or the destination I was headed to, but the honesty that my Spirit was pushing forward. For the first time in a long time, my pain didn’t seem too BIG, or even BIG at all. The problem with grief is that people tell you, “You’ve been through so much” and “It’s okay to be sad and stay sad”. So I took those lies and lived in it.
However, in Nepal I was reminded that EVERYONE has unbearable pain. Everyone needs kindness and empathy, not just me. It was so refreshing to stop the self-pity party I had been throwing for myself the past year and a half and ‘suck it up’; put my feelings aside and love others through and in their emotions.
I also found my passions in the beautiful country of Nepal. I’ve always had a passion for females knowing their worth and value. I love watching girls be empowered and find their value in God. It’s the most beautiful transformation. I’ve found myself continuing in this journey as well.
Returning home was a challenge. I hated everything about the way we live our lives in America. I was so upset by the vanity, materialism, and greed. I’ve always had a built annoyance for all three to begin with but when I returned home, it was like my tolerance for them stayed on the plane.
God was showing me my passions for missions through the annoyances and healing me with His powers, rather than the temporary materialistic things I tried to heal myself with prior.
During this time, God started introducing balance into my life. I began practicing yoga again and feeding my body with beneficial plants. I was reminded of the wholeness that food, faith, friendships, fitness and focus can bring to one’s life.
Throughout this journey, I’m continuing to learn the power in honesty. Being honest about my feelings, emotions, and wicked thoughts has been so freeing for me. Having people to be honest with is the biggest blessing and that’s one thing I’ve gained in my internship. Honest community is a perfect nest to heal in.
While traveling in Kenya, God broke open new parts in my heart I didn’t know existed. For example, I had no idea my heart could love another place as much as I loved Nepal. I’m so quick to fall in love with places and the people that call it home, but resistance tempted me when we landed and our first few days. Through raw honesty and confession, God brought me to the fullness of His love and I experienced a new depth of love I didn’t dream possible.
On one of my flights I watched the movie “Me Before You” (yes, I absolutely cried on the plane) and at the end of the movie the main character speaks something powerful that I can’t quote directly, but I can share what I took from it. The words were along the lines of, “Most of us live, but only few will dare to live well” and I realized, “WOW, I want to live well. I want to love well and I want to be well with hope in this life”.
God has done it again! He took a story of brokenness and has once again redeemed it. My cup is completely full and although I have so much more to learn and gather from God, I feel completeness in His presence. I’m no longer tip-toeing, wondering if I’ll disturb Him with my existence. I now confidently run into His House and announce my presence with a shout of, “I’m home”. Every chance we speak to God we have this opportunity. We enter His front door, smell the prepped food and call out to Him our presence is willing to acknowledge His existence.
Here are some scripture that have been crucial for me through this year:
“Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to Your Name give glory.” Psalms 115:1
The Book of Ephesians
“Just as you’ll never understand the mystery of life foaming in a pregnant woman, So you’ll never understand the mystery at work in all that God does.” Ecclesiastes 11:5
“The last final word is this: Fear God. Do what he tells you. And that’s it.” Ecclesiastes 12:13-14
“I will see him myself; I will see him with my very own eyes. How my heart wants that to happen!” Job 19:27